How on Earth Did This Happen?

New bike corral in front of Flying Pigeon LA and Antigua coffee

There it is, folks, an official City of Los Angeles bike corral, right on North Figueroa Street—that’s right smack in the heart of CD1 capo Gil Cedillo’s all-cars-all-the-time dedicated speedway for us cut-through commuters!

I’m guessing our good buddy the council member’ll get the entire LADOT fired for this. Or maybe send out a few bulky men in black T-shirts and ski masks in a plateless Sprinter to tear it up with crowbars on some smoggy night, while the neighbors pretend not to notice. Yeah…. We can only hope.

We’re not kidding around, folks! This could be the slippery slope to safe streets, prosperous local businesses, and kids free of asthma!

I mean, come on: we know that asthma is a rite of passage for NELA’s young’uns, every bit as important as getting that driver’s license when you turn eighteen, so you too can crush your neighbors and poison their kids on the way to the Kwik-E-Mart. Just like the generations before you!

Can you imagine them kids pedaling away on bicycles? Like they was afraid of a heart attack or something? And in your way to boot!

And that’s what this mess will lead to: next thing you know, “they” are gonna start griping that they need a bike lane so they can get to this so-called “bike corral” and spend their welfare dollars at the coffeehouse on the corner. Hell, that might even lead to one of those so-called “road diets,” slowing down busy people like you and me just so some old lady can cross the street. And they call that progress!

Progress? Well, that word sounds like socialism to me, pardner! I don’t need no nanny state telling me when I can or can’t run down some damn old lady jaywalker, and neither do you.

And that radical bike shop next door, where they sell so-called “Dutch” bikes—well, they’re made in Europe, fergawdsake!, and that’s just next door to Russia. Sarah Palin could tell you all about it!

They even sell bikes for women, if you can imagina that. Hell, I think the Taliban has it right; women shouldn’t be riding no bicycles. It might give them ideas of the sort I can’t mention in print, y’know….

So get yourself right down to the corner of Figueroa and Lo-ree-to fast as you can in your biggest V-8 and take a look. This thing could be a sign of the future, and you’d better be ready for it….

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